7 Tips When You’re Struggling With Your Identity as a New Mom
“Do other moms feel this way, or is it just me?”
The simple answer to this is: yes, other moms do feel this way. Whatever way that is, I guarantee other moms feel it, too. Motherhood is one of the most beautiful, breathtaking, love-filled, heart-breaking things one can experience. And with all of these things, come a whole slew of emotions.
Furthermore, “new moms” is a subjective term. Some feel lost in their new role right away. For others, it takes a bit of time. Either way, it’s not at all uncommon for new moms to flounder a bit in their new role. Whether it’s your first child or your fifth, this loss of self can come along anytime.
Not all women feel a loss of identity when becoming a mother—that’s normal, too! For some women, becoming a mom is immediately as natural as breathing. But for me and plenty of other moms out there, it wasn’t so easy. Don’t get me wrong I LOVED and still LOVE my kids like nothing I’ve ever felt in my life, but this doesn’t mean that the transition from an individual to a mother was smooth sailing. For me, it was hard.
Looking back, I can see that I was always a good mother (and I still am), but I doubted myself so much. I judged myself so much. I wondered why it wasn’t as easy for me as the “other moms”. I constantly felt like a hot mess.
Eventually, I was able to get over my mental block enough to seek professional help. This is when I began getting myself back on track. Before too long, I was able to take the reins myself and was able to utilize certain tactics and began shifting some habits to bring more peace and balance to my everyday.
I’m 100% an advocate of seeking professional support in dealing with tough mental and emotional roadblocks. The tips I’m providing you with are simply small shifts that you can make until you can see a professional, or things that you can do along with professional treatment. I’m not trying to “cure” or “fix” anyone—I want to be very clear on that (not that anyone in this circumstance is “broken” or needs “fixed”)
These tips were helpful for me when I began my “journey” to finding myself again, and they’re things I still use and remember today.
I urge you to take what you want, and toss out the rest. You’ll know what works for you and what doesn’t. I also urge you to seek support if and when and you need it. You are far from alone, and once you realize that, the world can begin to open up for you.
1. Give Yourself Permission to “Grieve” Your Old Self
It’s okay to miss the person you were before becoming a mom. Acknowledge those feelings without guilt—this isn’t about regret, but about making space for the new version of you.
No matter how you look at it, it’s just a plain and simple fact that you are a new evolution of yourself, so be intentional about recognizing that and know that it’s OK to be emotional about letting go of the previous version of you. This doesn’t mean that you want to take back being a mother, or that you want to go back to that version of yourself, but it also doesn’t mean that you can’t miss it.
2. Reconnect With What Makes You Feel Like You
Motherhood doesn’t mean losing your individuality. Whether it’s music, art, exercise, or a hobby you used to love, find small ways to weave it back into your life. It’s also important to remember that these things might look a little different for you now. You won’t necessarily have hours to produce art or to exercise. Getting out and going on a 5-mile hike will be more challenging. Reading a book with actual chapters will fall behind on the priority list, too.
Buuuuut, as I said, finding ways to adapt these things and weave them into your life can be extremely helpful in keeping you connected to yourself, the individual—not just mom, partner, caretaker, etc, etc, etc.
3. Create a Simple Self-Care Routine
Your time is limited, but small acts of self-care (a five-minute journal session, a quick walk, or just drinking coffee while it’s hot) can help you feel like a person outside of your role as "Mom." Or, like I talked about in tip #2, you can begin to weave some of your former hobbies into your self-care routine. Find pockets of time to read just one chapter of a good book, taking advantage of naptime to spend 30 minutes on some art or to have a quick workout, or a hot shower. Whatever it is, it’s important to be intentional about these pockets of time being for YOU.
Furthermore, embrace the “slow” moments when you have them. They won’t always happen everyday, but if you can make pockets of time each week, it’s a great start. And if you randomly find small pockets of time in your day, have a few self-care ideas that you can do at the last minute! Some ideas for this: 5-minute meditation, 10 minute workout, write in your journal, listen to some music you love or start an episode of a favorite podcast.
4. Change the Way You Talk to Yourself
It’s easy to focus on what you’re “not doing right” or “not feeling like yourself.” Try reframing your thoughts: “I’m learning and evolving” instead of “I don’t know who I am anymore.”
Motherhood can bring a flood of self-doubt and identity shifts, making it easy to focus on what feels lost or unfamiliar. But the way you talk to yourself in this phase matters more than you might realize.
Instead of saying:
“I don’t even know who I am anymore.”
“I should have this figured out by now.”
“I’m failing at balancing everything.”
Try shifting your inner dialogue to something more compassionate:
“I am evolving, and that’s okay.”
“I’m learning what works for me, one step at a time.”
“I am doing my best, and that is enough.”
The way you speak to yourself shapes your experience. If you constantly tell yourself you’re lost, you’ll believe it. But if you remind yourself that you’re growing, adapting, and finding your way, you’ll start to feel that truth, even on the hard days.
A simple practice? Each morning, take 30 seconds to affirm yourself with a phrase like: “I am more than just ‘Mom.’ I am strong, capable, and discovering who I want to be.” You don’t have to feel it 100% yet—just saying it helps rewire your mindset over time.
I know this all may sound a little woo-woo, but it really does make such a huge difference!
5. Build a Support System (Even If It’s Just One Person)
Find a friend, a fellow mom, a coach, or even an online group that allows you to share and be heard. You’re not alone in this transition.
Motherhood can feel incredibly isolating, especially when you're struggling with your identity. But you don’t have to go through this alone. Finding a support system—even if it’s just one person who truly gets it—can make all the difference.
It doesn’t have to be a big group or an official mom’s club (unless that’s your thing!). Support can look like:
A friend you can vent to without judgment
A fellow mom who understands the ups and downs
A partner or family member who listens and validates your feelings
A coach, therapist, or online community where you feel seen and supported
Many new moms hesitate to reach out because they feel like they should be able to handle everything on their own. But you weren’t meant to do this alone! Asking for help or simply sharing your struggles doesn’t make you weak—it makes you human.
If you don’t feel like you have that person yet, start small:
Join an online mom’s group and engage in conversations that feel relatable.
Text an old friend and let them know you’d love to catch up.
Be open to meeting new people—sometimes, friendships form in unexpected places (baby classes, park outings, etc).
If you have a local gym/community center with classes that also has a child care center, consider utilizing the childcare center and trying out a fitness class. You could possibly find yourself a good community and get some exercise at the same time! *This might not be ideal for those with brand new babies as most childcare centers in gyms and community centers have an age minimum, often starting at 3-6 months old.
The goal isn’t to have a massive network; it’s to find one or two people who make you feel less alone in this journey. Because when you have support, the hard days feel a little lighter.
6. Explore a New Version of Yourself
It’s natural to want to feel like yourself again, but sometimes, that old version of you no longer fits. And that’s okay. Think of this stage as an opportunity to explore: What excites me now? What do I want to learn, try, or create?
Try something completely new. Maybe motherhood has sparked new interests—holistic wellness, photography, writing, or even a side business. Give yourself permission to explore!
Let go of “shoulds.” You don’t have to fit into a perfect mold of a “supermom” or “balanced woman.” You get to define what your identity looks like now.
This is your chance to create a version of yourself that aligns with who you are today. Not who you were before, and not who society tells you to be—but the person you truly want to become.
7. Give Yourself Grace—Your Identity Will Unfold Over Time
You don’t have to have it all figured out today. Or tomorrow. Or even months from now. Motherhood is a journey, and so is rediscovering yourself.
It’s easy to feel pressure to “bounce back”—whether that’s physically, emotionally, or in terms of identity. But the truth is, change takes time. Who you are becoming isn’t something you need to rush or force. Instead of fighting the process, try to embrace it with patience and grace. Make the process your ally.
Some reminders for when you’re feeling lost:
You are not behind. There’s no timeline for rediscovering yourself. Everyone’s journey looks different.
Your worth is not tied to productivity. Some days, simply keeping yourself and your baby fed and cared for is enough.
Growth happens in seasons. Right now, you may feel like you’re in survival mode, but that doesn’t mean you’ll always be in this phase. Change happens little by little.
Instead of focusing on who you used to be, or stressing over who you should be, try asking yourself: Who am I becoming? What small steps can I take to feel more like me today?
With time, patience, and self-compassion, your identity will unfold in a way that feels right for you.
To Sum it All Up…
The bottom line is this: You are not alone, you are not failing, you are doing way better than you’re giving yourself credit for, and you can find yourself again.
Life is a journey, and motherhood is simply a side quest on that journey (and a big one, at that). Look back on these tips any time you are feeling extra lost on this journey. With some patience, grit, and grace, you’ll find your way.
If you found any value in this article, here are a few more that may interest you:
15 Micro-Habits to Positively Impact Your Life
48 More Journal Prompts for Your Health & Fitness Journey
7 Amazing Benefits of Exercise (Beyond Weight Loss)
18 Quotes to Inspire Your Health Journey
The Amazing Benefits of Journaling
9 Free At-Home Workouts from Beginner to Advanced
Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, mental health provider, or a licensed dietician, and therefore this is not official licensed medical, mental, clinical, or nutrition advice. These are things that I have implemented in my own life and utilized in my personal training and health coaching practice after spending a substantial amount of time studying and practicing these techniques in fitness, habit change, and nutrition (still, I’m not a dietician). They are not meant to cure any ailment, and they are certainly not meant to serve as a replacement for any mental or medical healthcare treatment. It is important to always consult your own physician before beginning an exercise, mental health, or nutrition or supplement program of any type.